I’m staying in a hotel across a bridge from the old city of Riga. This is no longer a novelty, the walking back and forth (there’s nothing at all on this side so the strolling is born out of necessity). My room is lovely at least, royal blue carpet and pink patterned bathroom wallpaper. I saw fireworks a few nights ago from my window. Yesterday three women dressed as coloured mushrooms were performing a novel Xmas Eve number, dancing and singing on a little stage in the town square. The population in Riga is less that 800,000 – a perfect size for a festive-minded Baltic-style layover, non?
This is my last rotation for the year. I’m proceeding home on Wednesday, and then flying to Paris for New Year’s. I cringe just a little at that (seems trite).Then, because I cringe, I also feel like something’s off. There’s more apprehension than excitement?
I called my grandma earlier this week. It was her 88th birthday. Couldn’t remember the last time I spoke to her. The conversation lasted no more than 3 minutes, she was pretty eager to get off the line. I’ll try this family phone call thing again in a few days, my brother’s 40th. And yes, I called Mum too. She’s due for a visit towards the end of 2012. I expect (?) to still be in Dubai, so we need her there when the weather is tolerable.
It’s Christmas Day, and the only person I’ve seen is the chambermaid, barging into my room. I’ll go for a drink later maybe, either tea at the Christmas tavern-y markets or at a bar, alone, like the old me. Best to avoid the mulled wine – last time I had that it was not, eh, a pretty outcome. Wish I could say that, aside from the Latvian McDonalds and the rose lokum and the pear cider, I’ve made full use of the time by bob-sledding and partying and having riotus dinners with great colleagues. Unfortuntely this is not the case. What have I really been doing? Shopping (mostly the window variety), walking, watching Modern Family, learning French, sleeping in. Tis the season of subdued action. The pilots are nice enough, but I haven’t seen them since we last checked-in and don’t particularly want to.
I’m proud of the things I tried for the first time this year. Fun activity, adventurous stuff. Nothing huge. But it’s enough for me. Of course I’ll have a fresh list in the back of my 2012 planner, nothing that different really. The thing that gets me is that it’s all short-term, dumb-dumb simple, single-focus. I absolutely do not have the softest whimper of long-term, major, complex goals. Not even a echoed whisper of some concrete aspirations, raw ambition. The thought is so awful, second only in its awfulness by the thought of aging (the cliché fear of every female). What a bummer.
I had an interview a few Sundays ago (I blew it). I was gleeful and fitful and got ahead of myself after the first day. At the following meeting I was brought back to earth. This was imperceptibly, just barely paralysing. It was a double-slap rejection because I wouldn’t have taken it anyway, not after I understood their counter-offer. On my side I asked for too much money and I was too honest about my current ‘package’ (if you could even call it that). On their side, they had a brand-new ACJ318 (good) based in Dubai (good) with a 12k basic (good) but wanted the FAs to clean the cabin alone (are you fucking high?) and be on permanent standby (ooof) and fly probably most often to, from and around the African continent (..)
R and I have dating for 6 months now. And you know for me that’s an obscene stretch of time. There’s a kind of plan to live together when he finds a new apartment in January. The house-hunting didn’t really happen in November or December, because of the trips we took (Vietnam and Houston) and then the holidays. I’m too proud, too shy, to talk about him, about what’s happened. The best I’ve been able to say is that I have ‘unhealthy feelings’ for him (argh). He’s taught me a lot. It’s remarkable how he has no faults at all. I really mean this, it’s nothing short of astonishing. Any slight issue that’s come up has been brought on by me. And I get spooked easily.. everything I know about relationships is through the observation of friends and their boyfriends or.. the (gasp!) media. If anything is unhealthy, it’s gotta be that.
Have had a super lazy week. Got a few things done at home though. Still – staying put to watch Hank Moody fuck his way through life, that isn’t acceptable. Last night was a dnb thing and I was invited out by Romain’s group though he’s not even here (I really ought to be going no matter what a la Jim Carrey in The Yes Man).
